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Wednesday, January 03, 2007
i know i've not blogged here for a very long time..that's why i'm here again..
i've decided to blog here again is because i feel terrible today..and i know that someone would have forgotten abt the blog..so i wan to write here..
i can no longer surpress..
today was a terrible day for me..
the orientation is disgusting...and tiring..it was no fun at all..
even my mum can see that i cried..
why? why is she so observant? why can she sees wad i'm going thru?
everything she said just now seems like it just hits the bull's eye...
everything was how i felt, wad i wanted to say..
i'm just like any other ordinary girls...
i need love, care, concern, someone to brighten up my day when i seek for help..
but why?
everything just seems to be different...
i kept telling myself that i'm strong..i should control my tears, i should stop crying..
but, tears just came down like todays' evening rain...
eyes swollen...it's like only my mum can see..
i dun wan to be alone..
i'm afraid of lonliness...
i'm not as strong as i may seem to be..
i can be laughing right now...in front of everybody..
and when i reach my room, then i can finally be someone whom i really am...a weak girl..
why do i have to put on an act infront of everybody?
why do i have to put on a strong front and cheat everybody?
i can just be myself...
but why? why did i choose that?
nobody knows...maybe i myself dun even know..
the worst enemy in life is myself...
i dun even know things abt myself..how i can be a psychologist in the future?
ii was very very sad when you didn even bother to comfort me today when i sought for help...
i was feeling terrible and lonely inside me..
and i smsed you...hoping very much that you'd give me some comfort..
but..you told me that was wad i want...
yes..i agree...the path was wad i chose..
and to be honest...i really regret abt it..
i'm thinking of withdrawal...
but can i? should i be like a tortise who hides into its own shell when challenges are just upfront?
i dun want to do that...maybe i'll get hurt...but even if i die...i dun wan you to pity me..i dun wan your sympathy...
just now while crossing the road..how much i wished that a car can just run me down...
but it didn happen..and i was quite glad abt it..
because...when i reaced home..jing ling barked at me..seemingly trying to tell me that she'll be there for me...
even if he'll not be there for me...there'll always be my family, friends or even my dogs to keep me company...
to listen to my problems, to talk to me, to be behind me supporting every decision i make in life...
PERHAPS, we've planned our route too long ahead of us....
PERHAPS, things will not end up like wad we thought...
from now on...i'll take one step at a time...
i dun wish to expect too much....
i'll just be contented with wad i have...
and i wun force things that i dun have to be part of my possesion...
if the thing is not mine..it'll always not be mine..
if we're meant to be for each other, we'll still be together no matter how much tears or laughters we've gone through together...
everything in this world are probably fated, or not...
well, i dun know...and i hope that i can construct a future that i really wan no matter how much setbacks i've faced in life...
last but not least...i thank him for putting up with me and sometimes supporting me...
and he was really someone whom i can rely on in the past...
he taught me to be independent and never to trust a person too much in life...
thank you...thanks for your presence all these while..
no matter how much tears i've gone thru, i've definately learn a lesson from each experience..
-Stay with me;
6:57:00 PM